Being Transformed

An invitation to fly

Last summer I started this newsletter in an attempt to find others who are on a similar spiritual journey. It also became a way to discover the next phase of my journey. I knew I was heading toward a transition, but I didn’t have a clear picture in mind of what was next. During that time, I learned to become quiet. I walked a lot. I read and reflected and wrote about it in this space. Eventually, I discovered a desire to write a novel. Now, a year later, I am living in the new phase in my journey. I spend each morning working on the novel, and in the afternoons I work from home as a consultant. This required a huge leap of faith, and a little help from Mama Spirit in providing an employer who values my work enough to let me dictate my own schedule. This new opportunity seems to correspond to a time when I am fully recognizing my value. In earlier seasons, when I requested flexibility from an employer, I dismissed myself as easily as they dismissed the request. It seems that when we discover our own worth, others are more likely see it as well.

The new opportunity took seven months to develop, and it required a lot of patience as I waited. I didn’t know if or when a new season would finally arrive. I worked on the novel early in the morning, but when 9:00 a.m. arrived, I had to switch gears and start work. Mornings were rich with energy and vitality that I wanted to pour into creativity, but every morning except Saturday, I had to sign into a job that drained all that energy. I waited, and I prayed.

My prayers were wordless moments of being present in Mama’s creation, a habit I started last summer and continued all winter, rain or shine. I dropped my daughter off at school and then went to the woods. I watched the puddles fill with rain or the sun rise through bare branches. I listened for the whisper of Mama Spirit. She spoke through the rain as it filled the earth’s underground rivers or through an owl feeding her young, fierce and loyal. One morning, as I walked the path toward the woods, I had a keen desire to hear from her, to know that she was near, and I wondered how she would reveal herself. I followed an intuition toward a specific tree, thinking it had something in store. As I approached, I noticed an object glinting in the early morning light. Tucked into it branches was a little glass cube with a three-dimensional butterfly etched into its center. I smiled, knowing this was her way of saying hello, I love you, I am here. It reminded me of the theme of metamorphosis that seemed to be threading through my life recently. I felt as though I’d been going through a long slow process of transformation, and I was almost ready to fly. I took a picture before tucking the cube back into its branch, ready for the next person to have their moment with her. The next day I received the message I had been waiting for: an offer for a new position that would allow me the flexibility to write in the mornings. It was the day before Valentine’s Day, and I felt very loved.

Writing a novel hasn’t left much creative energy for these missives about my journey but I was inspired to share after reading “The Dance of the Dissident Daughter,” by Sue Monk Kidd. It is uncanny how similar our inner worlds are, they way we discovered the divine feminine as we approached our 40s, and the transformation we experienced. Yet her story departed from mine in a significant way. She found other women along the way who were having the same experience. I have found ways to talk about it with people in my community, but haven’t connected with anyone who has encountered or been transformed by the divine feminine in the same way. I started wondering what it would look like to experience this journey together in real life.

Finding this book was serendipitous. My pastor let me choose a book while she was downsizing her library. I chose one at random and in its pages, I found a spiritual companion. Most of you know Sue Monk Kidd for her bestsellers “The Secret Life of Bees” and “The Invention of Wings.” Like me, her journey led her to write novels. Writing using my imagination has been healing and fulfilling in ways I couldn’t have expected when I started. I am a little more than halfway through a wonderful story that feels like it is being handed down from above. It’s daunting to stare at a blank page, but it’s thrilling as well. It’s delightful to find out where the story will go next, who these characters will become. As I read Sue Monk Kidd’s novels, I am amazed at her gift with words, the depth of her characters, the courage with which she writes. Of course, I doubt my own abilities in comparison, but as a first-time novelist, I am not striving for perfection or greatness. I simply want to enjoy the process. Now, my new spiritual companion is leading me further, showing me the way of building community around this journey. She hosted workshops and retreats, and even traveled with a group of women to Crete to visit a sacred site.

Perhaps the next phase of this journey is to invite women to read this book together. I have enjoyed the connection I’ve experienced in several book clubs of various sizes and meeting frequencies over the past two years. I am currently in another group that I committed to through the summer, but I will be waiting and praying about taking this next step. More to come! In the meantime, tell me about your own experiences of transformation this season.